


Baby Dump

by sandyk



Category: Happy Endings (TV)
Genre: Baby Fic, Chromatic Yuletide, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 13:07:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1094212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/pseuds/sandyk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"That's what I was talking about. I never got to be pregnant alone," Jane said.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby Dump

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theepiccek](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theepiccek/gifts).



> not for profit, not mine. thanks to [redacted] for beta help.

Jane said, "You know what's more horrible than being pregnant?"

"Please tell me you're not pregnant again," Max said. "I can't do it. I can't do it. I figuratively and literally can not do one more pregnancy from any of you, especially Jane." 

"You did nothing," Penny said. "You literally and not figuratively did nothing, you actually moved away and lived in Detroit for a full year to avoid being here for Jane's pregnancy and the first three months of little Jourdann's life.Then you did the same for her second and third pregnancy, and coincidentally my first and second pregnancy, thank you very much, best friendo."

"I did not do the same thing, I moved to Kansas City for the Brad Jr.'s gestation and I moved to Ann Arbor for whatever ridiculous name Jane gave number three --"

"Max," Jane said. "We named our beloved daughter after you and you were in Ann Arbor, sleeping in a dumpster."

"That was a euphemism, actually. I was sleeping with a man who was nicknamed Dumpster. His breath was horrible. When I was in Kansas City I was actually sleeping in a dumpster, no euphemism there. It was not pleasant. But there were no wild flying hormones from you or Alex or Penny," Max said.

"That's what I was talking about. I never got to be pregnant alone. I was 9 weeks along when suddenly Alex shows up, all 'oops?' Pregnant again, and Penny gets herself knocked up. Number three and it's three of us sporting baby bumps."

"Sitting right here," Penny said. "I did not get pregnant AT you. Not the first time." 

Max said, "How is it so many of you actually produced little babies but we're all still out drinking all the time?"

"None of us are drinking," Penny said.

"That is not true," Max said. He belched. 

xx

Jane did still feel a little upset. "You get me, don't you, Jourdann? Sometimes you want to be the princess. You want to be the one who's the most important, who gets to have the wild mood swings and get all the cookies and not be the one explaining to Alex for the tenth time what it means when a baby is breech. You know what it doesn't mean? It does not mean that the baby will be born wearing breeches."

Jourdann nodded. She kept playing with her doll. Not the one Jane painstakingly made by hand with stitches of love and real hair, no, Jourdann preferred the cheap one Alex had bought for her at a Wisconsin tourist trap that time she was driving to visit Max, non-baby version. Jane was okay with it. She had come to accept it. Jourdann would have her own tastes and needs. It was a mantra she and Brad had developed together for moments just like this. 

Plus Brad, Jr was utterly perfect. A little Jane, Brad called him, he just looked exactly like his handsome hunk of a dad. 

Then there was Max, baby version. Jane sighed.

"I guess I could get pregnant again, but how do I guarantee that Penny doesn't find another husband or Alex doesn't forget where babies come from again?"

"Also," Brad said, leaning over the couch to pick up Jourdann. Jourdann giggled and hugged her daddy with all her might. It was okay, because Brad, Jr. was a mama's boy. 

"Also," Brad said. "Also, I can't stop saying also. And we decided to stop with three. Also, I don't support having another child solely so you can have the preggy spotlight all to yourself. Damn it, one more also."

"I bet you'd like making another child, though," she said, winking. "Ugh, I'm sorry, honey, my innuendo is broken. It went with Max. Listen to me, making another child. How basic can I get?"

"There was that time you made hand gestures and then all three of our kids did it, for weeks, including when my nephew got baptized in the family church while five of my aunts sang in the choir and they all stopped to watch our kids sticking their fingers in a hole they made from with their other fingers."

"Max," Jane said, sighing. "Where is Max? Please tell me she didn't crawl away again."

"She's good, she's in the bouncy chair. She loves that bouncy chair."

"Maybe too much," Jane said.

xx

"Dave, that look is not working," Max said. "Lose the kid."

"This is my daughter, Max." Dave covered Dakota's slightly large ears. Jane grimaced. 

"As opposed to my daughter no comma Max," Jane said. 

Max said, "Ugh, I'm already super tired, can we ditch all the kid talk?"

"It's been two sentences," Dave said. 

Dakota mumbled something. Jane tried to stop grimacing. Penny was a good mother, she thought. She really was. It was probably all Dave's fault both their kids had large ears and only hit developmental milestones when they were supposed to instead of a minimum of two weeks early like all three of Jane's. 

"You can tell Jane is tired of it, too. She has her I'm comparing my kids to yours and mine are better grimace," Max said.

"That is not true," Jane said. "I love having Dakota here." Dakota itched her elbow and looked at the ceiling. She was super adorable, like Penny had been when she was young. 

"You only love having Dakota here so you can feel superior. That's your favorite kind of attention," Max said. "And I hate that, because that's the attention I want."

Dakota said, "I have to pee."

"Thank you for articulating that, sweetheart," Dave said. 

Dakota, bless her dumbo ears and raw skinned elbow, rolled her huge anime doll eyes. She was beautiful then. 

xx

"Okay, I talked to Max, non-baby version, again and I feel so much better about not ever getting my spotlight during the 30 months I was at my most vulnerable."

Brad made his skeptical face. He tried to pretend it was his I'm listening intently love of my life face, but Jane knew him better than that. He was clear as glass to her. 

"You know when you were pregnant, it didn't seem like you missed the spotlight. It seemed like you enjoyed having Alex and Penny and Alex and Penny to bond with and compare bellies with and brag about how you were cuter and your mucus plug softened first --"

"I won every time," Jane said.

"Think about how dull your pregnancies would have been if you only had random facebook friends, my ex-girlfriends and your ex-girlfriends to compete with." 

"You are so right," Jane said. She stood up and kissed Brad in a super sexy way. She snuggled up close to his Adonis like body. 

"You aren't trying to get me turned on and get you all pregnant again, are you?" He stepped back. 

"Step back up here, I am not trying to trick you. No more kids for us, it's a promise." 

Brad stepped back up with a snappy step touch and got his touch on all over her. "You're just really worried we'll have another Max, though."

"We never should have named her after him. I swear, sometimes she has this look like she wants to sleep in a dumpster. Or with man nicknamed Dumpster."

"We will raise her right out of that, woman, I swear to you."


End file.
